Shop at MALO MART
by C-Money17
Summary: [Twilight Princess, OneShot] The following is an advertisement for MALO MART: selling goods at low prices! Listen to little Malo ramble on about why his shop is so great! Rated M for language.


_**Shop at MALO MART**_

ooo

The camera screen slowly faded into view to show the dusty surroundings of Kakariko Village from the south entrance, with the Eldin spring to immediate right and the elder Renardo's house slightly to the left. The view bobbed up and down as it came into the village and focused on a small shop directly across from the elder Renardo's dwelling. This shop had small signs on either side of the small staircase leading up to the entrance that read "MALO MART" in big, bold letters, along with a cute depiction of a small boy's face.

The portrayal showed the boy to have slightly chubby cheeks, dark-brown eyes, dark hair that was tied back in a little pony-tail, ridiculously short eyebrows that only expanded a quarter of the way across the length of his eyes, and a completely expressionless and calm look about his face.

The camera view slowly made its way up to the entrance and through the door, where the inside of the shop was revealed to house all kinds of accessories, weapons, snacks, drinks, and other goods, surrounding a stout boy, the one pictured outside, sitting on the cashier's counter. The camera zoomed in on the boy as he began to speak:

"Hi," he spoke, standing up on the counter, revealing that he was no more than three feet tall, and had a surprisingly deep voice for someone his age. "...and welcome to MALO MART. I'm Malo, the founder and owner of this fine establishment." Malo lightly swept his hand below him to the front of the counter, where a big banner draped across the extent of it read "MALO MART" in big, bold letters, like the signs outside. "If you're just tuning in," Malo continued. "...this advertisement will explain to you why MALO MART beats out the competition at what it does. Oh, and if you're wondering why a six-year old boy is running a store, it's because I can do that. If you don't like it, then piss off. You ain't my mom, so get off my ass about it."

Malo sat back down at the edge of the counter. "But, I won't bore you with the details of why my vocabulary is so extensive, or how I came upon on all these expensive goods, so I'll get straight to the point: I got what you need. I sell my stuff at low, low prices. Things might be twenty, even thirty percent off of what they usually are in other shops across Hyrule. Fifty if I like your face. Why? Because I'm a nice guy. I know that you don't want to spend your hard-earned rupees buying some shit that you could probably find under your bed. Don't like my prices? Then take your punk-ass over to Castle Town and let them fuck your wallet up. MALO MART won't rip you off." Malo hopped off of the counter and circled around to the rear. "Follow me."

The camera complied and followed Malo to another stairwell that led down into another room. "This is my stock room," Malo explained as he walked down the stairs. "It's been a new addition since I first opened this place up. I keep all my extra goods down here and replace the things upstairs when they run low. It's simple, really."

The camera's view quickly spanned around the gigantic room, with shelves upon shelves of the same merchandise that Malo had upstairs. Boxes neatly lined up against a far wall were filled with shields, swords, and other weaponry.

Malo spread his stubby little arms wide. "Here at MALO MART, I have everything that you could ever need., plus more. Whatever you want, I'll hit you up with'em. You running low on arrows? I'll hit you up. Have a shortage of bombs? I'll hit you up. You need a durable shield without having to pay far up the ass for it? I'll hit you up." Malo reached onto a nearby shelf and grabbed a sleek-looking Hylian shield from its resting place, and pointed to it with his index finger. "MALO MART: you want the hit? I got the shit."

He put the shield back up to its proper place and continued walking to the back of the room, with the camera closely following his movements. "I'm sure you're wondering why I'm choosing to sell bombs, when Barnes Bomb Shop is just further down the way. It's because my prices are lower, of course. A full pack of bombs from that guy is nearly a hundred rupees. Pfft. What kind of crap is that? Barnes thinks that just because his storage place or house or whatever burned down, that that's an excuse to jack up the prices on his shit. I sell my bombs for a measly twenty rupees a pack, so don't go there, come here. MALO MART has you covered. I don't make the bombs myself, though. I have my 'bomb experts' on the job to do that for me."

Malo came to another door and the end of the room and opened it to reveal three young kids working vigorously at a large table in the middle of the room. The one closest to Malo was his older brother, Talo, who was the spitting image of him, except that he was a head taller and had slightly darker skin. Next to Talo was Colin, a timid, blond-haired boy. Lastly, at the far end of the table, was Ilia, an older girl with long, curly blond hair.

"Hey, Malo!" Talo waved, wearing a big, stupid grin on his face. "How's it hangin', lil' bro?"

A brief hint of irritability flashed across Malo's face. "Talo, please shut up. Get back to work."

"Yes, sir, little brother, sir!" Talo saluted.

Malo shook his head in exasperation as the camera focused in on Talo, who was nigh expertly crafting bombs and applying the necessary ingredients. "My brother, as hard as it is to believe, is the best bomb-maker I've ever seen, even next to Barnes," Malo said. "I don't know how Talo acquired these talents, because he's dumber than shit. Now, Colin, on the other hand, is very level-headed." The view shifted from Talo to Colin, the latter of which was gingerly piecing together his bombs, as if he were afraid that they would blow up any second. "He's not too fast, not too slow," Malo explained. "But he's too scary, and kinda weak, though. He saved my friend, Beth, from getting stomped down by King Bulbin a while back, so I guess he's cool." The view then changed again from Colin to Ilia, who seemed to having a hard time figuring out just what to do. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she studied the ingredients like they were a jigsaw puzzle. The camera quickly switched back to a close-up of Malo, who was staring directly at her, then back to Ilia. "I don't know what this girl's problem is," Malo said. "Ilia, why are you just sitting there? You're slowing up the business. What do you think I pay you for?"

Ilia growled, looked up, and glared at him. "What are you talking about? You just dragged me down here and said 'start working'! And you _don't _pay me!"

Malo snorted. "Yeah, and now you know why." He again shook his head in distaste and headed out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Malo shrugged at the camera. "Ilia thinks that just because she got kidnapped, suffered amnesia, and had a life-changing experience, that she can slack off during work hours. She'd do a lot better if she'd stop flapping her gums and started following orders. Goddamn females think they can back-sash anyone nowadays. I got kidnapped, too, but you don't hear me bitching about it."

The view followed Malo back up the stairs to his counter, where he again took a seat on the edge of the desk. "As I've said before, MALO MART puts all other shops to shame. Nobody can beat my prices. _Nobody_. And I'll give you some examples. You know Trill's Shop in Faron Woods that's in front of the Forest Temple? That bird sells lantern oil and potions for a low price, and I respect that. But, what's the problem with his shop, you ask? You can steal from him. Yeah, that's right. Link did it one time and stole some lantern oil, and Trill only chased him for, like, five feet. Are you kidding me? Not only can you get free stuff, but the shop owner is as weak as a six-year boy. What a fairy. So what's my point exactly? Trill's a pussy. He doesn't know how to run a shop. He needs to shut that shit down, because he for damn sure won't be making any money. Don't worry. MALO MART doesn't have theft problems. I make sure of that. You try and pull some of that funny shit in my shop, and I'll be dead on your ass with the Master Sword and a shotgun. Believe that. Don't think you can run from me. I know Hyrule Field like the back of my hand. What, you don't believe that I can get the Master Sword? I have full access to it, except that I can't pull it out of the pedestal. Or solve that stupid fucking hard-as-balls statue puzzle. Or find the Sacred Grove. Or defeat the Skull Kid and his cronies."

Malo jumped down off of the counter and started searching one of the back shelves. "Speaking of lanterns, have you ever noticed how much they suck ass? You whip that motherfucker out at the start of a dark dungeon or forest, then two minutes later, BAM. It's burnt out. That lantern oil is cheap. It's not effective. That's why MALO MART is proud to present to you, this." Malo grabbed a large jar full of bubbling, glowing red liquid off of the shelf and slammed it downed on the counter. "If you're tired of dicking around with that regular stuff, come by my shop and buy some _Omega Lantern Oil_. For only twenty rupees, five drops of this shit here will power your lantern for three days straight, and it'll be three times brighter than usual. The _Omega Lantern Oil_ works so good, that it'll not only ignite a torch in a dungeon, but it'll light up every torch in the whole place simultaneously. Also, when you swing it, it'll act as a miniature flame-thrower, so you can really show those pesky enemies who they're fucking with." Malo pointed a finger at the camera. "So swing on by MALO MART and pick up some oil, because we all know that ninety percent of all Hylians are afraid of the dark." Malo once again swept his hand below to the banner on the front of his counter. "MALO MART: because you know your pansy-ass won't set foot outside in the dark without a lantern.

"Now," Malo continued. "I was talking previously about how other shops couldn't hope to compare to mine, and here is the prime example: Castle Town. That place is full of pricks who'll rip you off without a second thought. Especially that asshole Jovani. If I knew how to get into his place, I'd gank him for everything he's worth. The most outrageous place I've been to in Castle Town would be, without a doubt in my mind, Castle Town Boutique. That place is something else. A pack of ten arrows costs two-thousand rupees. I kid you not. If you were to walk up to me, and have the sheer audacity to try and sell me some arrows for two-thousand rupees, I'd get a step-ladder, climb it, and kick you dead in the mouth. What the fuck are they thinking? Charlo, the guy who owns the store, is a dumb-ass of the highest caliber. He isn't going to be selling anything at those absurd prices, so he would do well to kindly release the death-grip he has on the customers' balls. And what about that stupid STAR mini-game? I think the owner has it in for me. I tried it out the other day..."

The camera screen suddenly switched from Malo to an entirely different scene, which was rendered in grainy, black and white quality. The place shown was the inside of the STAR tent, which had a giant cage structure in the middle. The camera focused in on Malo, who was in the cage, attempting to collect all of the light orbs in an allotted time, as was the game's primary objective. "Yeah, that's me playing the game when I went to Castle Town about a week ago," Malo's voice was heard as the scene played out. "You had to use the Clawshot to collect all the orbs that were high up," he explained, as the Malo in the cage expertly utilized the Clawshot to grapple around the cage. "The thing is," Malo continued. "Purlo, the little bastard that runs the joint, goes out of his way to make sure that your ass can _never_ get the last orb within the time-limit. Watch." The scene continued to play as Malo worked his stubby legs to get to the last orb's location. Unfortunately, he failed to notice the last orb was a attached to a thin, white length of string, which allowed the orb (with help from Purlo) to move itself out of Malo's path just as he came near. The "time out" buzzer rang, and Malo dropped to the ground, glaring at Purlo from inside the cage.

"Oh, tough luck, little guy!" Purlo snickered. "Maybe next time!" He turned and grinned at the camera. "Meh, a lot of people lose at my game. It's not that easy. You can't expect to win all th-" The man was interrupted as a Clawshot careened off the side of his head, knocking him to the floor, with Malo raining blows down upon his face.

The scene cut back to Malo sitting on the counter at his shop. He snorted. "Yeah, I got my rupees back after that one." The little boy gazed down at the counter. "Huh, 'maybe next time'. Maybe next time I'll get Link to come and spin-slash your face. How about that shit, Purlo?" Malo then quickly raised his eyes back up to the camera. "Anyway, speaking of the Clawshot, it's an okay accessory, but the name is stupid. Come on, now. _Clawshot_? Nowadays, we like to refer to them as 'grappling hooks'. Why do you think so many people call those little gold and red thingies on the walls 'grapple points'? Because they think the Clawshot is a grappling hook at first glance. Then, when you go to pull up the Item Selection screen, you see that it's called a 'Clawshot' and you won't even want to use it because the name sounds so gay. But luckily for you all, I hear your cries." Malo turned, reached down behind the counter, and pulled out what looked a be a gleaming, silver-colored, sawed-off shotgun with a giant grappling hook at the end of the barrel. "MALO MART is proud to present to you: the _Buster Grapple 2000_. This bad boy will handle all your grappling needs. If you'll follow me outside, I'll properly show you how much ass this thing can kick."

After taking a brief moment to gather some other items and put them into a small bag, Malo headed outside into the brightly lit day of Kakariko Village and over to the open space in front of Eldin spring. Malo dropped the bag beside him stood glancing sidelong at the camera. "The _Buster Grapple 2000_, unlike the Clawshot, can latch onto anything. Trees, solid stone walls, titanium plating, even people." He turned toward the village and suddenly fired without warning. The gun made a deafeningly loud explosion noise as the grappling hook screamed past the camera and all the way down to the opposite end of the village. "To retract the grapple, all that's required is the simple press of a button," Malo illustrated, pressing a small button located on the side of the gun. The weapon produced a raucous whirring sound as the rope connected to the grapple retracted back into the gun. The camera turned just in time to see Beth, a young girl with brownish-blondish hair, and another one of Malo's friends, being dragged by the back of her white tank-top to his location. She grunted and strained against the power of the grapple, that was securely fastened to her, as she finally came to a stop in front of Malo. He rolled his eyes. "Beth, I'm in the middle of a commercial. Release yourself from my _Buster Grapple_ at once."

Since she couldn't fully turn around, Beth angrily craned her neck to glare at him, showing that she had small freckles on her face. "Damn it, Malo! Your stupid grapple dragged me all the way across the village! Get this thing off of me!" Again, Beth struggled to walk forward, removing herself from the camera's view as it focused on Malo, his face ever-emotionless.

"Gladly," Malo muttered, as he yanked the gun back, resulting in a loud tearing sound, and him suddenly holding Beth's tank-top, which had been ripped clean off.

A shocked gasp came from off-camera. "M-My shirt! You sick little pervert!"

Malo snatched the clothing off of the grapple and tossed it to the side. "Aw, shut up, Beth. You have nothing to show under there, anyway, so stop whining." He tapped his weapon and held it up to the camera. "As I was saying, the _Buster Grapple 2000_ can grab onto anything at all. Are you too lazy to solve that mildly difficult puzzle to get to that obnoxiously placed treasure chest just out of your reach? No sweat. Just _Buster Grapple_ that bitch. This thing works so good, that it can even grapple onto thin air. Observe."

Malo pointed the gun directly above him into the open sky and fired. The grappling hook shot high into the air, making a metallic _chinking _sound as it impossibly and ridiculously hung in mid-air, pulling Malo up to its location. He dangled up in the sky as he pulled out another identical grapple, seemingly out of nowhere, and fired it at a nearby mountain wall. He zoomed to the wall, retracting his previous grappling hook, and shot it at the ground right in front of the camera, returning him to his original position. "Yeah, I know what you just saw defied the laws of physics," Malo said, holding the guns by his sides. "Who cares? I build my shit the way I want it, and sell it the way I want." He set one of the guns on the ground and pulled the grappling hook out of the other one. "Also, if you remove the grappling hook off of the _Buster Grapple 2000_, you'll have yourself a nifty little shotgun, of the sawed-off variety. Tired of those annoying giant birds pecking you and knocking you off your horse when you ride through Hyrule Field? Show them you mean business with a face full of buck-shot. The _Buster Grapple 2000_ is essentially two weapons in one. It's a gun...and a grapple. A gun-grapple. Hence the name '_Buster Grapple_'."

The camera view followed Malo as he walked and stood proudly in front of his shop. "It's a great deal. Buy a grapple for only thirty rupees, or pick up two to double you pleasure...or double your fun or whatever. The _Buster Grapple 2000_ is here for you. You know you want one, so what are you waiting for? Get off your dead ass and come to MALO MART." Malo jerked a thumb behind him to his shop. "MALO MART: serving the Hylian community for years and years...since one month ago."

Malo strolled back to the bag he had laying on the ground, standing directly behind it. "Now," he began. "I feel the need to express my criticism of another weapon: the Gale Boomerang. Sure, it has great distance and has that whirlwind-y thing about it, but it's damn near useless for offensive purposes. It doesn't hurt enemies, it just 'stuns' them. What a bunch of crap. I don't know about you, but when I hit monsters with my weapons, I expect lives to be lost, and the Gale Boomerang just doesn't cut it. But, as always, MALO MART comes to the rescue...with _this_." The small boy bent down and sifted through the bag at his feet, pulling out a completely black boomerang which was identical to the Gale Boomerang in every way, save for the long, jagged spikes jutting out at all different angles from the armament. Malo held one end of the weapon gingerly in his hand. "I call this the _Murderang EX_. As you can see, this puppy looks five times better than that ol' piss-poor Gale Boomerang. When thrown, the _Murderang EX _automatically homes in on all enemies within a five-mile radius and, thanks to these rusty spikes hand-picked straight from the Arbiter's Grounds, stabs the ever-loving shit out of them. Not only that, but when stabbed, the spikes release a lethal dose of liquefied cyanide into their bloodstream. Hell, the enemies won't worry about attacking anybody when you hit them with the _Murderang EX_, and their innards start rotting into a fine goo."

The camera view followed Malo to the south entrance of the village, where he cocked his arm back, and threw the boomerang down the small canyon leading out into Hyrule Field. The boomerang erupted down the small valley and into the grassy fields, forming a humongous tornado as it did so, and suddenly veered sharply to the left. Malo turned back toward the camera. "Yup, that's the _Murderang's_ homing capabilities kicking in. It'll come back in about three minutes."

Four minutes later, the tornado-enveloped boomerang returned to the village, dissipating once it got in close proximity of Malo. He caught the boomerang with one hand, just as a pile of dead monster bodies dropped from the sky and thudded heavily to the ground. "That was the _Murderang EX_ in action," Malo said proudly. "But now, we have a pile of dead bodies on our hands. Luckily, most of the weapons and accessories at MALO MART can compliment one another. For example, you don't want to stare at these rotting carcasses all day, so just whip out your 'omega' lantern, like so." Malo reached into the bag resting on the ground beside him and took out a lantern. After applying some _Omega Lantern Oil_ to the lantern, he ignited the lamp, causing it to emit an almost blinding white light, even though it was the middle of the day. "Just use some of MALO MART's patented _Omega Lantern Oil_," Malo described. "...and swing it a couple of times in the direction of the bodies." He swung the lantern twice, each time sending a bright orange sphere of flames into the mound of dead monsters. They caught fire instantly, and were reduced, impossibly, to a smoldering pile of ashes in a matter of seconds. The view of the camera elevated itself to record the ashes being lifted up into the sky and blown away by a strong gust of wind.

Like he did with his other merchandise, Malo held the boomerang in front of him like it was on display. "Run, don't walk, down to MALO MART and snatch up a _Murderang EX_ today. Stop fucking around trying to make your own boomerangs out of shit from the woods. This is the real deal."

Malo gathered his things and headed back to his shop, with the camera in pursuit, where he once again took a seat at the edge of his counter to continue talking. "I have one last thing to talk about regarding Castle Town, and that thing is Telma's Bar. What's up with that place? It's supposed to be a place of business, but nothing ever goes on over there. Link told me a while back that, of the dozens of times he's been there, he's never seen Telma serving a damn thing to anybody. And, to further add to the fact of the total laziness of that place, there's these losers called 'The Group' who lounge about at the back of the bar. This 'group' was supposed to be dedicated to saving Hyrule from the grip of monsters roaming about and help Link in his quest so he wouldn't have to carry the fucking world on his shoulders. There's just one problem, though. There are _still_ monsters roaming the countryside. Those fools didn't do a damn thing. Link told me that the only real help that this 'group' gave him was a measly little attack on a group of monsters in the courtyard of Hyrule Castle that they thought he wouldn't be able to handle. That's it. They didn't even have the balls to help him get to the top of the castle. Assholes.

"Out of the four people that composed this 'group', the worst of them had to be this guy named Shad. This man brought forth a whole new degree to the word 'useless'. When he found out about the mysterious statue below Renardo's place, he couldn't even figure out what to do, despite his claims to be a 'researcher'. So what happened? It was up to Link to travel all around Hyrule and decipher the secret phrase needed to move the statue. When they finally revealed the hidden room with the ancient cannon inside to launch them to the City in the Sky, Shad's knowledge wasn't worth three damns. He didn't know how to fix the cannon, so what happened? Link told him to fuck off. The problem was that Shad wasn't adequately prepared. He had no bombs, no arrows, no weapons, and no shield. Link was armed to the teeth. He was ready for action. Look at this picture."

The scene switched from Malo to a still-shot of Link posing with one foot on a large rock, his green cap cocked to one side over his brow, blond hair flowing behind him, clenching an arrow between his teeth (with the tip of the arrow on fire), wearing a stupid grin on his face, bare-chested, and holding the Master Sword and Hylian shield in his hands.

Then, the picture switched back to Malo. "Yep, Link was awesome. He had everything he needed, so he went up to the City in the Sky and tore the place up. Then, he even went on to defeat Ganondorf and that other guy. What's his name? Zack? Zig? Zant? Whatever. Link was a pretty good hero, but he would've been even better if he wasn't so busy being Midna's personal man-whore all the time. Shad, on the other hand, didn't have, or do anything. That's why he should've brought his ass over to MALO MART and got some supplies. But hey, I guess he's content with just lounging at the bar with those other guys and ogling Telma's tits all day. Just letting people hang out in a place of business is no way to handle your job, which brings me to my next point: I hate window shoppers. If you aren't going to buy anything from my store, then get the fuck out. I don't need some moron crowding up my place just because he's too much of an idiot to decide on what to buy. Time is money, so stop being a 'tard and quit wasting both. MALO MART doesn't just sell weapons and accessories for the battlefield, I also have lots of food. Chips, candy, chocolate, cereal, waffles, pancakes, steak, lobster, you name it. I even have many different varieties of soup, but I don't have that cheesy flavored Superb Soup that you can get up on Snowpeak Mountain at Yeto's place. I went up there a few days ago to try and get him to go into business with me, but then his wife got all pissy and they wouldn't give me the recipe. What's the point of having a good old-fashioned family recipe that's probably been passed down from generation to generation if you're not going to whore it off for cash? What a load of shit."

Malo stood up on the counter, crossed his arms, and glared into the camera. "As long as we're on the subject of Snowpeak Mountain and Snowpeak Mansion, there's a few things that I need to get off of my chest. Yeto, if you happen to be watching this program, there's some things that I need to make clear to you. First of all, fix up your house. I almost broke my goddamn foot falling from the second floor balcony all the way down into the basement. I ought to sue your ass back to the stone age. Secondly, that crate-pushing puzzle needs to go. Why the hell is there a switch in the middle of a floor made of solid ice? It took me half an hour to figure that shit out. Thirdly, stop using such archaic weaponry. I don't like having to waste a perfectly good bomb every time I want to fire one of your raggedy-ass cannons. There's a thing in this day and age called a 'fuse'. Use it. And lastly, your place is too damn hard to find. Why do I need to climb all the way up the mountain, and then slide back _down_ the mountain just to get to your house? Jesus Christ. Way to choose an obscure location to live."

Malo sat back down and rubbed his forehead wearily. "Okay, I need to wrap this advertisement up. I'm running out of things to say. And I'm sleepy. Anyway, one last thing about my food is that it'll make you feel like a million rupees. Don't give me that bullshit talking about how red and blue potions are better. Be a man and put some real food in your belly. Getting tired in a long dungeon? Gnaw on a MALO MART brand turkey leg. Going to spend a day in Castle Town, but don't want none of their nasty, over-priced food? No problem. MALO MART will hook you up with some pork-chops and applesauce to eat while you're there. You don't think my food is good enough to completely revitalize you? We'll see if you're still thinking that when you get to the forty-ninth floor of the Cave of Ordeals, and those Dark Nut Knights start schooling your ass around the cave. I went down into the Cave of Ordeals once, and I made it hella far...but I gave up on the first floor. Yeah, I know it's sad, but I'm only six years old, and my back hurt. Gimme a break."

Malo stretched and yawned as the camera began to slowly inch back from him, indicating the "end" of the advertisement. "In conclusion," Malo said. "MALO MART is pimp-tight. It's leagues better than any other shop that you'll ever visit. I have the best merchandise at the lowest prices. How many ways do I need to explain it to you? Buy my shit. Come shop at MALO MART, or you'll make me cry." Malo once again swept his hand below him to the giant banner, then pointed a finger directly at the camera. "MALO MART: you think I'm a smart-ass now? Wait 'til I'm a teenager."

Then, the camera's view of Malo slowly faded to black.


End file.
